Clarifying your values leads to a better understanding of your inner self.
We all have values. Our values are those attributes that define who we are as people. Values are those qualities we hold dear to us. Some are more important than others. They are the values that we are most passionate about. By clarifying your values, you will understand your inner self – what makes you tick. Clarifying your values will lead to a deeper self awareness.
How my health struggles have led to deeper self awareness
My health struggles have helped me to redefine what is really important to me. They have led to a deeper meaning of what makes me tick. Through this self reflection I can understand why I struggle with some aspects of recovery more than others.
Many of my readers are aware of my journey through recovering from a bilateral mastectomy that had complications. Part of my recovery has been coping with the emotional and mental struggle due to not being able to work because of my health. I have been seeing a psychologist to help me to deal with my struggles.
She has been helping me to manage my anxiety and feelings of loss by helping me to reframe some of my thought processes. One of the things that has really resonated with me is learning about values conflict. I have been finding it hard to cope with the change in my life because there is a values conflict.
What is a Values Conflict?
A values conflict is when something or someone challenges a value that is important to you. In this case, my value is helping people which is why I became a nurse. Not being able to work as a nurse means I can’t fulfill that part of me that wants to help people.
She gave me a list of common values. My task was to choose the ten values that mean the most to me. Narrowing it down to just ten was a challenge in itself. Some of the values are more important than others. When there is a values conflict you can react strongly – it’s a visceral reaction, like “being kicked in the guts”. It made me realise why I react so strongly to some situations, and why my self worth suffers when I can’t fulfill those values that are important to me.
Defining Your Most Important Values
My ten most important values are:
- Contribution and Generosity
- Fairness and Justice
- Respect/self respect
- Safety and protection
I’m going to share the three values that mean the most to me, and explain where the values conflict lies.
Contribution and Generosity: to contribute, give, help, assist, or share.
This is important to me because I get enormous satisfaction from helping others. The main reason I chose nursing as a career was to help people. I need to contribute to society and be a positive influence on others. My blog aims to motivate other midlifers to live a healthy lifestyle. I share my story so that I can inspire other people. In other words, my life’s work is to be helpful.
Now that I’m not working a huge gaping hole appeared in my life and it has taken a toll on me. My role as a nurse is a major part of my identity. I wrote about it here. My values conflict lies in not being able to help others, and to be on the receiving end of that instead.
Fitness: to maintain or improve or look after my physical and mental health.
This is probably the most important value to me. Without health life is hard to bear. I aim to keep myself as healthy in mind and body as possible. My health and other people’s health is my life’s work. I prefer to prevent health crises by being proactive with my health, using preventative measures to avoid disease, and following the health advice of experts. I aim to show people how to live a healthy lifestyle by leading a good example, raising awareness of disease, and continually learning about health.
Keeping physically fit is not for appearances, but rather to keep healthy. My values conflict has been dealing with the aftermath of surgery that had complications. Not being healthy and fit enough to work has been emotionally difficult. I am working with an Exercise Physiologist to build my strength up so I can return to work. It is hard work, my progress is slow and I get a lot of pain. But working towards being fit and healthy is very rewarding as well.
Honesty: to be honest, truthful, and sincere with myself and others.
I hate being lied to. It is my pet peeve. It makes my blood boil when I find out I have been lied to and I can never really trust that person again. I have a strong lie detector but it doesn’t always work, and that really shakes my world especially if the deception has been going on for a length of time. It is heartbreaking to discover people close to me have lied or deceived me.
I also am a terrible liar, even a white lie. It makes me extremely uncomfortable to lie to somebody. I would rather be told the truth, no matter how brutal, than be told a lie. My visceral reaction whenever I sense someone has been lying is because there is a values conflict. I included this value here because honesty is so important to me.
Clarifying your values helps you to understand your emotions
By clarifying your values in this way, you can reflect on those aspects of your life that are causing an emotional reaction. It’s that gut feeling that something is not right. For example, when I sense someone is lying to me, I get a gut churning sensation that makes me really uncomfortable.
Values conflicts cause me to have sleepless nights and anxiety. By clarifying my values, I now can understand why some situations cause me to react in that way. With that clarity, I have been able to work with my psychologist on reframing my thought processes. She is helping me to pinpoint what it is that is causing that emotional reaction, and to deal with stressful situations in a different way.
When your values align with your significant other
Having values that align with your closest loved ones – in my case, my husband – means less conflict in our relationship. My first husband and I had different values which led to a lot of conflict. I feel blessed to have met someone whose values are similar to mine. It’s nice to be “on the same page” when we make decisions.
Clarify your own values
What values do you value the most? What is the most important quality to you? What would you want to be remembered for? Clarify your own values for a deeper understanding of your self.
By clarifying your values, you will understand what makes you tick. Clarifying your most important values will lead to a deeper self awareness. Values conflicts cause an emotional reaction so you can manage your emotions by knowing which values are important to you.
If you would like to explore this concept in more depth, Russ Harris of www.ActMindfully.com.au has some excellent resources on his website. Clarifying Your Values and Making Life Changes is a worksheet from his book The Confidence Gap that will help you clarify your values. I found this to be very helpful.
If you enjoyed this, you may also enjoy:
- Our Roles in Life Help Form Our Self Identity
- Coping With Loss and Grief After Major Life Changes
- Tips to Improve Your Wellbeing When Life Gets You Down